Cool story you've got going on here. And a good exercise, the beginning only and end only! For sure makes me wonder what happened in the middle!!!
I take it Serena didn't make it. There was some sort of war and only the narrator and this Tor guy the narrator doesn't like survived!
I want to know more about the narrator and Serena's relationship. I hope that comes up in the middle. I'm always rooting for some type of love story, I just can't help myself. :)
Your descriptions of this factory are super vivid! One new trick that might make them even stronger is try to have characters (either the narrator or others) physically interact with the setting. So you're not just describing the sight of it, but there is some type of effect it is having on the narrator. Like you did here: "I lie in the smouldering fields beside once edible food supplies. Beside the moths and the slugs and the burning horses." I would say with Kris, yes, go ahead and make those foods more concrete, but for me, I like the physical interaction with it.
Glad you're back! I really like this piece, particularly the first section. It's so clearly depicted. The sentences so clean and crisp. Love it.
Couple of observations on the second part:
1. I'd really like to "see" the narrator shooting him. Instead of just, "I shoot him", I want to see the pistol being pointed or pulled out of a holster or whatever.
2. I'm having trouble picturing the "once edible food supplies". Would like to see what that looks like / consists of.
Other than that, really liking this draft. Good work! And thanks for posting, mate. Been a while.
Hey Matt!
Cool story you've got going on here. And a good exercise, the beginning only and end only! For sure makes me wonder what happened in the middle!!!
I take it Serena didn't make it. There was some sort of war and only the narrator and this Tor guy the narrator doesn't like survived!
I want to know more about the narrator and Serena's relationship. I hope that comes up in the middle. I'm always rooting for some type of love story, I just can't help myself. :)
Your descriptions of this factory are super vivid! One new trick that might make them even stronger is try to have characters (either the narrator or others) physically interact with the setting. So you're not just describing the sight of it, but there is some type of effect it is having on the narrator. Like you did here: "I lie in the smouldering fields beside once edible food supplies. Beside the moths and the slugs and the burning horses." I would say with Kris, yes, go ahead and make those foods more concrete, but for me, I like the physical interaction with it.
Keep going!
Glad you're back! I really like this piece, particularly the first section. It's so clearly depicted. The sentences so clean and crisp. Love it.
Couple of observations on the second part:
1. I'd really like to "see" the narrator shooting him. Instead of just, "I shoot him", I want to see the pistol being pointed or pulled out of a holster or whatever.
2. I'm having trouble picturing the "once edible food supplies". Would like to see what that looks like / consists of.
Other than that, really liking this draft. Good work! And thanks for posting, mate. Been a while.