Hey mate, finally found the time to read this, been looking forward to it and it didn't disappoint.
The descriptions and the senses are really tight. "a glass that smells of chlorine and saliva" is some powerful shit, I really felt that. There's loads like that that I really really like.
I see Maegan's commented (Hi Maegan), and said a couple of things I was going to say. I think the descriptions and scene setting can be cut down a bit. An example would be: "Standing and stretching, he carries the folder to his backpack where he places it in an elasticated pocket behind an A4 notebook and broken laptop he doesn’t remember ever working." I don't need that level of detail there.
What I like with the long drawn-out slow build is that I got the sense very early that there's going to be a dramatic change of mood ignited by a rash scene of violence, and that got me slowly more and more excited. But there's a fine line between slow build and too-slow build, and you're definitely skirting that line.
One quick way to speed it up would be to go through and delete all the unnecessary "and"s and "is"s. Example: "and the flat is quiet enough" could become "the flat quiet enough".
"a futon only big enough for one" could be "a tiny futon" or "a futon for one" for example.
"The flat is stuffy from all the rebreathed air of man and machine; the windows are shut most of the time." is probably my favourite sentence, I love it, I feel it, I want to open a window. It's great. The picture I have of this guy is so vivid.
But then the image I have of the girl, basically as a weak, skinny junkie, makes it hard for me to believe that she can pack such a punch and also be able to overpower him, manhandle him like she does, so easily. So I either need to see earlier why he is so weak, or why she is so deadly. This might just be me, though. I'll read it all again sometime in the upcoming days and see if I get a different impression.
I found a typo: "you can talk me though what you’ve found?”
And I'm not sure, but I think desk-top doesn't need the hyphen, think it's one word.
All in all, mate, it does what you want a piece of writing to do and that is hold the reader's attention. I definitely wanted to keep reading, and still do.
All of these pieces of advice are just editing things.
Ah I almost forgot, I also made the same observation as Maegan about changing point of view. I'm typing this on my phone so can't see the exact sentence right now, but from memory it was something like "He looked small in the chair" but it came right after a description of her I think, or a thought of hers. Whatever it was, for a moment I remember being a little disoriented by the shift.
Hope this is all helpful, mate. Glad you're writing, glad you're posting, and as always I'm a fan of your work.
Hey Matt! This is cool. It's like cozy meets sci-fi. (I think? I'm no cozy expert). When I reached the line, "He sits wearing only Adidas...", that's where I jumped in, my attention was grabbed. I wonder if you could start closer to there and weave some of the scene setting in a little bit later. I'm not sure how important the scene setting was for me in my understanding of what was taking place. For me, After the Adidas bit, my brain followed the bread crumbs you were dropping like it wanted to solve the puzzle.
At the line, "After removing his jacket, he kicks off his shoes and sets them on the mat by the door. She doesn’t. If questioned, she could blame the laces running up to her knees, but she wouldn’t. " you changed POV to the woman, am I reading that correctly?
I think the ending ends in a good place. You've left an open loop for the reader--will he get away? will he be forced to help her?
All in all, I'd say this was gripping. Could read quicker if some of the descriptions were shortened up. Maybe check the tennis-match in the dialogue, though I think a little bit of tennis-match is kind of part of the typical cozy, maybe? is it?
It's cool though. Sci-fi + Mystery. I'm digging it.
Hey mate, finally found the time to read this, been looking forward to it and it didn't disappoint.
The descriptions and the senses are really tight. "a glass that smells of chlorine and saliva" is some powerful shit, I really felt that. There's loads like that that I really really like.
I see Maegan's commented (Hi Maegan), and said a couple of things I was going to say. I think the descriptions and scene setting can be cut down a bit. An example would be: "Standing and stretching, he carries the folder to his backpack where he places it in an elasticated pocket behind an A4 notebook and broken laptop he doesn’t remember ever working." I don't need that level of detail there.
What I like with the long drawn-out slow build is that I got the sense very early that there's going to be a dramatic change of mood ignited by a rash scene of violence, and that got me slowly more and more excited. But there's a fine line between slow build and too-slow build, and you're definitely skirting that line.
One quick way to speed it up would be to go through and delete all the unnecessary "and"s and "is"s. Example: "and the flat is quiet enough" could become "the flat quiet enough".
"a futon only big enough for one" could be "a tiny futon" or "a futon for one" for example.
"The flat is stuffy from all the rebreathed air of man and machine; the windows are shut most of the time." is probably my favourite sentence, I love it, I feel it, I want to open a window. It's great. The picture I have of this guy is so vivid.
But then the image I have of the girl, basically as a weak, skinny junkie, makes it hard for me to believe that she can pack such a punch and also be able to overpower him, manhandle him like she does, so easily. So I either need to see earlier why he is so weak, or why she is so deadly. This might just be me, though. I'll read it all again sometime in the upcoming days and see if I get a different impression.
I found a typo: "you can talk me though what you’ve found?”
And I'm not sure, but I think desk-top doesn't need the hyphen, think it's one word.
All in all, mate, it does what you want a piece of writing to do and that is hold the reader's attention. I definitely wanted to keep reading, and still do.
All of these pieces of advice are just editing things.
Ah I almost forgot, I also made the same observation as Maegan about changing point of view. I'm typing this on my phone so can't see the exact sentence right now, but from memory it was something like "He looked small in the chair" but it came right after a description of her I think, or a thought of hers. Whatever it was, for a moment I remember being a little disoriented by the shift.
Hope this is all helpful, mate. Glad you're writing, glad you're posting, and as always I'm a fan of your work.
Hey Matt! This is cool. It's like cozy meets sci-fi. (I think? I'm no cozy expert). When I reached the line, "He sits wearing only Adidas...", that's where I jumped in, my attention was grabbed. I wonder if you could start closer to there and weave some of the scene setting in a little bit later. I'm not sure how important the scene setting was for me in my understanding of what was taking place. For me, After the Adidas bit, my brain followed the bread crumbs you were dropping like it wanted to solve the puzzle.
At the line, "After removing his jacket, he kicks off his shoes and sets them on the mat by the door. She doesn’t. If questioned, she could blame the laces running up to her knees, but she wouldn’t. " you changed POV to the woman, am I reading that correctly?
I think the ending ends in a good place. You've left an open loop for the reader--will he get away? will he be forced to help her?
All in all, I'd say this was gripping. Could read quicker if some of the descriptions were shortened up. Maybe check the tennis-match in the dialogue, though I think a little bit of tennis-match is kind of part of the typical cozy, maybe? is it?
It's cool though. Sci-fi + Mystery. I'm digging it.