As in “Rain,” I really enjoy your minimalistic, poetic style, and it works especially well here. Mysteriousness and ambiguity are definitely essential to suspense, and you use “just enough” words to motivate the audience to read on. It’s the little touches that help to slowly reveal the mystery of just what is going on here, such as Dot’s glassy eyes (is she high? keep reading and find out!), It’s interesting how this piece is quite literally character-driven; it seems that characterization moves the plot forward here - and it works. The ending of the chapter - Dot and the vial - begs me to continue reading. It sort of seems like there might be a science-fiction element heading our way in the next chapter; for some reason, I thought of cloning or some type of lab experiment, but I could easily be way off. I suppose that’s the fun, though. Nice work!
My intentions for both the unproteted sex and for the vial sample were both for potential breeding/selling purposes. With the narrator being a werewolf, Dot has hunted and trapped him and intends to sell him off to an 'enthusiast'. I wanted the subject matter to be fairly campy and pulpy, but the themes behind to be quite dark.
That's my intention anyway, I haven't got very far with the surrounding scenes, so there's always scope for change.
A sequence of random impressions, more or less in story order…
This line is brilliant: “We didn't say much, the music was so loud we just read each-other’s subtitles; telling what we each wanted to hear, not necessarily the truth.”
“In more industrial clubs…” Should this be “most” instead of “more?” Also, I would capitalize “Industrial” to make it clear that we’re talking about a music genre, not manufacturing.
I had a bit of trouble picturing what the protagonist actually looks like. He’s got fangs, human-looking hands, a “muzzle” (metaphorical usage?), but can apparently pass for human in public. It’s not clear to me how much “fur” (or just human-looking body hair?) he has. Maybe this is established earlier in the work?
I like the protagonist’s strategic use of body contact with silver to keep himself in check. And the strong emphasis on scent imagery is highly appropriate for a canine character.
As with “Rain,” I struggled with understanding the choreography — e.g. how Dot transitions from being eye-to-eye with him to (apparently) mounting his face.
“Her skin against my cheek has the texture of teeth.” So he’s feeling the sensation of his own teeth against his own cheek?
I think that a lot of the imagery is effective, but that it gets a bit overpowering in places. E.g. I think you could get rid of the line “Flint and slate and stone and rainfall” and not lose anything. In fact it would tighten things up a bit, in my opinion. I had trouble trying to connect those words with anything concrete or specific.
All in all, it strikes me as a very effective, updated, and original take on the werewolf trope (coming from someone who is a casual consumer of horror movies who basically never reads horror fiction).
Okay, so I wanted the narrator to look human but I've held back on too much description of the bodies because I wanted the scene to be mostly scent driven and selfish. I think that if I'd written surrounding scenes then some of the heavy lifting could've been done there, allowing this scene to be a little... cleaner? I think I've tried to cram too many ideas into a small scene.
I wanted for him to have gone to the trouble of wearing silver to prevent any sort of change, so he looks and acts human(ish), and it's because of this that Dot has the upper hand.
And yeah, I know what you mean with the choreography. It's partly because I didn't want to describe positions too well and focus more on his sensations instead and partly because I lack the skills to do so.
And damn, the teeth thing, both my wife and other people struggled with that (I should've known it wouldn't work, my wife is always right). I wanted the teeth marks on her skin to be deep enough and long lasting enough that he can feel them after the fact, on his cheeks while he moves his head around. My wife also said to ditch the flint bit too (I'd already got rid of more description, so probably for the best).
Interesting subject matter, Matt. Werewolf, power, sex, transaction, duplicity - not your everyday themes! Your intentions for the narrative really come across and that ironic power change between the characters (he's a werewolf, so bloody hell, he should be in control) works well. I love the idea of Dot capturing him as a rare item for the wealthy. To me, that's very dark with almost colonial undertones, but it's also very witty - 'the blindness of wealth' sort of thing. My only real problem is the occasional complexity of the phrasing, but maybe this is intentional as the piece is very much about sensory overload, especially smell and touch. It wasn't a big problem it's just that a few times I had to keep re-reading to fully understand that fullness of the 'sensory experience'! Having said that, I really liked the sardonic comedy -"I could be weighed in for scrap" - nice shift in tone from the danger of fetish to the archaism of "pretty penny". Also that image of grinding sea salt onto steak - comic and witty again, especially considering the sexual emphasis on both the male and female body. I could yap on about that more as it suggested such a lot - both domestic and sexual details. And last thing - the name 'Dot' - blimey, she's more than an insignificant dot. Love that!
I enjoyed reading this story of possession and madness. It was clear early on that he was destined for a collection so I think you can delay that slightly in the story. I love how he smells and tastes too but he seems more dog than werewolf. It works just as it is, and if you wanted to do any reworking, I'd like him to be a bit more wolfish.
Thank you so much for reading and for the feedback! More wolf, ey? That sounds like a challenge! I think for future scenes, in a less domestic setting, I'll try for a more ferral, wolf-like tone. I was hoping for more dog in this scenario as there're more elements of subservience, and after all, a dog is a thwarted wolf.
Good stuff, mate, although the meaning of the ending's a little bit confusing (to me), but I'm thinking maybe that's your intention.
The visceral imagery and smells really does the job in this one. I feel like I've watched a film.
One thing I think might help the flow would be to lose some of the speech marks and put it into more active sentences:
Dot says my hands are so rough, dogs have softer paws.
Looking at her out of the corner of my eye, I tell her they’re working hands.
I remark that it sounds fancy.
Feeling myself far too sober, I ask if she wants another drink.
I ask who keeps four sets of handcuffs.
-- Also, maybe this:
Replace "Something to scratch an itch. Something to stop the beast running rampant through the streets and, instead, staying indoors and screwing," with simply -- "Had an itch that needed scratching. "
"With a full moon shining down" could become "Under the bright spotlight of a full moon" or something a bit more visual
And finally, I would change Dot has the slightest hint of a French accent, to Dot had the slightest.... Everything else in in past tense, so it feels that this should be too.
As always, and as you know, these are just subjective ideas that occurred to me after reading it twice.
Right, I'll try and explain what I intended, to see if it helps any, or if I need to ammend anything because I've missed the mark.
The scene is about how sex is used as an alternative to a werewolf going out on a killing spree. Rather than murder, he's going out to get laid. So in this respect, I wanted it to be messy and violent without bordering on sexual assault. I wanted consensual violence. I think I toned it down a bit because I didnt want it to read as erotica, but more of a selfish one night stand.
Essentially, he's a werewolf but is too horned up to realise she knows what he is, and has hunted him as much as he hunted her. She intends to imprison him and sell him (this is why there's so much of her appraising him thoughout). I wanted the whole thing to be quite selfish, to focus on his senses and less about her, so he doesn't see the very real power dynamic change until it's too late; by the time he realises he's in genuine peril, the little voice in his head is a bit smug, saying if he was out killing, he wouldn't be in this mess.
It's part of a much larger story, so I don't know if it would make sense later or if I need to add any more information.
As for the speech marks, I'm all for removing them. I like stories without them, but I don't know if other readers do, or if it makes it more difficult to differentiate between text and speech. I might play with this and see how it goes.
And yes, I'll change the tense. Good spot!
Cheers dude, I really appreciate the feedback, I might see what I can edit to improve the flow.
Haha! Well maybe a bit of both. I think he hides within the bdsm subculture so that being restrained can be normalised.
It'll probably make more sense when there's other chapters, so maybe a prologue where things can be spelled out more clearly? I wasn't sure whether I was going to hide the whole werewolf thing initially too, do maybe keep reader's confused? It's worth thinking about though, thanks dude.
I've just read it a third time and there's just one thing that I think would put the story on an earlier path to clarity, and it's this sentence: Something to stop the beast running rampant through the streets and, instead, staying indoors and screwing.
I think it needs to create more of a vivid picture, take it a bit deeper, like what does it look like when he's running rampant, what's he doing, like is he tearing at flesh with his teeth (like Maxi Jazz, haha).
Ah okay, so like a flashbulb/flashback memory kinda thing? Maybe this could be a chapter by itself? Like a confused, blurred and muddled kinda thing? Like if it was written by a dog?
(I had to look up Maxi Jazz and when I did, it propper made me laugh)
Well it depends how you want to introduce to the reader the fact that he's a werewolf. I didn't realise this was the opening to a larger piece, so my advice was working on the assumption that you want it to be clear what he is, so in this case a vivid picture like of him ripping someone to shreds and then howling under a full moon with blood dripping from his fangs, or something like that, would do the job.
But if you're going for the slower build, then it's probably fine as it is, you're introducing the clues but spread out over a period of time.
It all depends what you want the reader to have worked out by the end of the first chapter, or even by the middle of the first chapter.
After you explained to me what's actually going on, it all made sense reading it back. But reading it without that knowledge, unless you're a regular reader of werewolf fiction, or you've seen the book's front cover and know it's about a werewolf, it might not be totally clear.
But if it becames clear a bit later, maybe in chapter two or even chapter three, then it's fine, because the reader will go back in their head to everything they've read and go, "Ah yea, of course!" Just like I did when reading it with a bit of knowledge.
And yea, Maxi Jaxx, iconic. I can't hear the words tearing and teeth in the same sentence and not sing the lyrics in my head.
As in “Rain,” I really enjoy your minimalistic, poetic style, and it works especially well here. Mysteriousness and ambiguity are definitely essential to suspense, and you use “just enough” words to motivate the audience to read on. It’s the little touches that help to slowly reveal the mystery of just what is going on here, such as Dot’s glassy eyes (is she high? keep reading and find out!), It’s interesting how this piece is quite literally character-driven; it seems that characterization moves the plot forward here - and it works. The ending of the chapter - Dot and the vial - begs me to continue reading. It sort of seems like there might be a science-fiction element heading our way in the next chapter; for some reason, I thought of cloning or some type of lab experiment, but I could easily be way off. I suppose that’s the fun, though. Nice work!
Thank you so much for the feedback!
My intentions for both the unproteted sex and for the vial sample were both for potential breeding/selling purposes. With the narrator being a werewolf, Dot has hunted and trapped him and intends to sell him off to an 'enthusiast'. I wanted the subject matter to be fairly campy and pulpy, but the themes behind to be quite dark.
That's my intention anyway, I haven't got very far with the surrounding scenes, so there's always scope for change.
Thanks again for the amazing feedback.
A sequence of random impressions, more or less in story order…
This line is brilliant: “We didn't say much, the music was so loud we just read each-other’s subtitles; telling what we each wanted to hear, not necessarily the truth.”
“In more industrial clubs…” Should this be “most” instead of “more?” Also, I would capitalize “Industrial” to make it clear that we’re talking about a music genre, not manufacturing.
I had a bit of trouble picturing what the protagonist actually looks like. He’s got fangs, human-looking hands, a “muzzle” (metaphorical usage?), but can apparently pass for human in public. It’s not clear to me how much “fur” (or just human-looking body hair?) he has. Maybe this is established earlier in the work?
I like the protagonist’s strategic use of body contact with silver to keep himself in check. And the strong emphasis on scent imagery is highly appropriate for a canine character.
As with “Rain,” I struggled with understanding the choreography — e.g. how Dot transitions from being eye-to-eye with him to (apparently) mounting his face.
“Her skin against my cheek has the texture of teeth.” So he’s feeling the sensation of his own teeth against his own cheek?
I think that a lot of the imagery is effective, but that it gets a bit overpowering in places. E.g. I think you could get rid of the line “Flint and slate and stone and rainfall” and not lose anything. In fact it would tighten things up a bit, in my opinion. I had trouble trying to connect those words with anything concrete or specific.
All in all, it strikes me as a very effective, updated, and original take on the werewolf trope (coming from someone who is a casual consumer of horror movies who basically never reads horror fiction).
Thank you for more amazing feedback!
Okay, so I wanted the narrator to look human but I've held back on too much description of the bodies because I wanted the scene to be mostly scent driven and selfish. I think that if I'd written surrounding scenes then some of the heavy lifting could've been done there, allowing this scene to be a little... cleaner? I think I've tried to cram too many ideas into a small scene.
I wanted for him to have gone to the trouble of wearing silver to prevent any sort of change, so he looks and acts human(ish), and it's because of this that Dot has the upper hand.
And yeah, I know what you mean with the choreography. It's partly because I didn't want to describe positions too well and focus more on his sensations instead and partly because I lack the skills to do so.
And damn, the teeth thing, both my wife and other people struggled with that (I should've known it wouldn't work, my wife is always right). I wanted the teeth marks on her skin to be deep enough and long lasting enough that he can feel them after the fact, on his cheeks while he moves his head around. My wife also said to ditch the flint bit too (I'd already got rid of more description, so probably for the best).
Thanks for more great feedback!
Interesting subject matter, Matt. Werewolf, power, sex, transaction, duplicity - not your everyday themes! Your intentions for the narrative really come across and that ironic power change between the characters (he's a werewolf, so bloody hell, he should be in control) works well. I love the idea of Dot capturing him as a rare item for the wealthy. To me, that's very dark with almost colonial undertones, but it's also very witty - 'the blindness of wealth' sort of thing. My only real problem is the occasional complexity of the phrasing, but maybe this is intentional as the piece is very much about sensory overload, especially smell and touch. It wasn't a big problem it's just that a few times I had to keep re-reading to fully understand that fullness of the 'sensory experience'! Having said that, I really liked the sardonic comedy -"I could be weighed in for scrap" - nice shift in tone from the danger of fetish to the archaism of "pretty penny". Also that image of grinding sea salt onto steak - comic and witty again, especially considering the sexual emphasis on both the male and female body. I could yap on about that more as it suggested such a lot - both domestic and sexual details. And last thing - the name 'Dot' - blimey, she's more than an insignificant dot. Love that!
I enjoyed reading this story of possession and madness. It was clear early on that he was destined for a collection so I think you can delay that slightly in the story. I love how he smells and tastes too but he seems more dog than werewolf. It works just as it is, and if you wanted to do any reworking, I'd like him to be a bit more wolfish.
Thank you so much for reading and for the feedback! More wolf, ey? That sounds like a challenge! I think for future scenes, in a less domestic setting, I'll try for a more ferral, wolf-like tone. I was hoping for more dog in this scenario as there're more elements of subservience, and after all, a dog is a thwarted wolf.
Good stuff, mate, although the meaning of the ending's a little bit confusing (to me), but I'm thinking maybe that's your intention.
The visceral imagery and smells really does the job in this one. I feel like I've watched a film.
One thing I think might help the flow would be to lose some of the speech marks and put it into more active sentences:
Dot says my hands are so rough, dogs have softer paws.
Looking at her out of the corner of my eye, I tell her they’re working hands.
I remark that it sounds fancy.
Feeling myself far too sober, I ask if she wants another drink.
I ask who keeps four sets of handcuffs.
-- Also, maybe this:
Replace "Something to scratch an itch. Something to stop the beast running rampant through the streets and, instead, staying indoors and screwing," with simply -- "Had an itch that needed scratching. "
"With a full moon shining down" could become "Under the bright spotlight of a full moon" or something a bit more visual
And finally, I would change Dot has the slightest hint of a French accent, to Dot had the slightest.... Everything else in in past tense, so it feels that this should be too.
As always, and as you know, these are just subjective ideas that occurred to me after reading it twice.
Good story and glad you're back posting!
Mate! Thank you so much!
Right, I'll try and explain what I intended, to see if it helps any, or if I need to ammend anything because I've missed the mark.
The scene is about how sex is used as an alternative to a werewolf going out on a killing spree. Rather than murder, he's going out to get laid. So in this respect, I wanted it to be messy and violent without bordering on sexual assault. I wanted consensual violence. I think I toned it down a bit because I didnt want it to read as erotica, but more of a selfish one night stand.
Essentially, he's a werewolf but is too horned up to realise she knows what he is, and has hunted him as much as he hunted her. She intends to imprison him and sell him (this is why there's so much of her appraising him thoughout). I wanted the whole thing to be quite selfish, to focus on his senses and less about her, so he doesn't see the very real power dynamic change until it's too late; by the time he realises he's in genuine peril, the little voice in his head is a bit smug, saying if he was out killing, he wouldn't be in this mess.
It's part of a much larger story, so I don't know if it would make sense later or if I need to add any more information.
As for the speech marks, I'm all for removing them. I like stories without them, but I don't know if other readers do, or if it makes it more difficult to differentiate between text and speech. I might play with this and see how it goes.
And yes, I'll change the tense. Good spot!
Cheers dude, I really appreciate the feedback, I might see what I can edit to improve the flow.
So yea.... I get it now!
Just read it again, and now it makes much more sense.
First time reading I just thought they were kinky, didn't catch on to all the doggy hints at all, just thought that was his style 😆
My wife has learnt to spell everything out to me in black and white, not to use too much sarcasm etc, as I often miss the subtleties.
I feel now like I've just read a completely different story, and yes, it does make sense.
Haha! Well maybe a bit of both. I think he hides within the bdsm subculture so that being restrained can be normalised.
It'll probably make more sense when there's other chapters, so maybe a prologue where things can be spelled out more clearly? I wasn't sure whether I was going to hide the whole werewolf thing initially too, do maybe keep reader's confused? It's worth thinking about though, thanks dude.
I've just read it a third time and there's just one thing that I think would put the story on an earlier path to clarity, and it's this sentence: Something to stop the beast running rampant through the streets and, instead, staying indoors and screwing.
I think it needs to create more of a vivid picture, take it a bit deeper, like what does it look like when he's running rampant, what's he doing, like is he tearing at flesh with his teeth (like Maxi Jazz, haha).
Ah okay, so like a flashbulb/flashback memory kinda thing? Maybe this could be a chapter by itself? Like a confused, blurred and muddled kinda thing? Like if it was written by a dog?
(I had to look up Maxi Jazz and when I did, it propper made me laugh)
Well it depends how you want to introduce to the reader the fact that he's a werewolf. I didn't realise this was the opening to a larger piece, so my advice was working on the assumption that you want it to be clear what he is, so in this case a vivid picture like of him ripping someone to shreds and then howling under a full moon with blood dripping from his fangs, or something like that, would do the job.
But if you're going for the slower build, then it's probably fine as it is, you're introducing the clues but spread out over a period of time.
It all depends what you want the reader to have worked out by the end of the first chapter, or even by the middle of the first chapter.
After you explained to me what's actually going on, it all made sense reading it back. But reading it without that knowledge, unless you're a regular reader of werewolf fiction, or you've seen the book's front cover and know it's about a werewolf, it might not be totally clear.
But if it becames clear a bit later, maybe in chapter two or even chapter three, then it's fine, because the reader will go back in their head to everything they've read and go, "Ah yea, of course!" Just like I did when reading it with a bit of knowledge.
And yea, Maxi Jaxx, iconic. I can't hear the words tearing and teeth in the same sentence and not sing the lyrics in my head.